A closed book on the first eid

Assalamualaikum.

I can't believe that I am currently updating this post on the first Eid. Normally, people would be so excited preparing for Eid but yeah, don't mind me. Haha.

The reason I am updating this post is because I wanted to make this post as the blueprint of my nawaitu. Today I believe is a perfect day for me to start a good new challenge. I take this as a challenge for me to become a better friend, a better daughter and overall a better person.

I watched BTS Burn The Stage few days ago and the members were describing each other. It turned out that my bias, J-Hope was described as someone who is a bit closed book. At first, I don't get what it means. But when I searched about it, oh a closed book person means someone who is a bit mysterious and doesn't say much about themselves. You know the good thing is J-Hope has always put people at ease. He is bright and a ball of sunshine but goshhh he actually has been hiding a lot in his heart. Sometimes I feel a bit pity about him but the other side of me keeps on telling me that he is a true bias. He inspires me. 

The real thing is that I am someone who actually loves to hide my own feelings before this. I think after I have been involving myself in too many activities, I get to know more people.. it seems that I learn to be more open and it is easier for me to just tell people whatever things on my mind. Whether it is a good thing or a bad thing I will just tell the truth.

However, this has been a bad thing. You know.. you cannot satisfy other people. You can't even satisfy yourself. If you tell other people your problems, sometimes they would agree with you but sometimes when they do not agree, they might turned you down. You will feel somewhat uneasy with their counterattack or perhaps their humble opinions and you guys might be awkward to each other.

I believe that I need to professional all the time. Accepting people's opinion is a must. You cannot deny their words because you are not perfect. You cannot be right all the time. But in my case, I keep on wanting people to be on my side which is wrong. They told me that I was selfish. I might not be able to accept it because this is not the first time people keep on telling me that term. I was confused. What actually happened? I thought they would believe me. They would try to understand me but it turned out to be vice versa.

I'm at fault. I know. However, they might not know the real thing. My 'overthinking' has become their highest point as counterattack and I can do nothing with it. I've tried to explain but seems like my overthinking has actually made it worse. Since then, I believe that whatever happens, that will only be between me and Allah SWT. Raise complaints to Allah, the Creator. Only Allah knows the situation that you are going through. Your friends whom you believe would always listen to you, who would always understand you might saw that you are in trouble, saw that you are struggling but they just saw it; they don't understand. The struggle that you are going through, only Allah knows. Turn only to Allah. 

From my experience, whenever I tell them my dissatisfaction, things become worse. It's not that I don't put my trust on them. I do trust them sometimes but it is just me. I can't handle the overthinking part and of course, my emotional side has become so bad that I think I need to settle down a bit. I don't easily show people that I am mad. I am dissatisfied. Things happened real quick. I am already used to the situation and I can't turn back time.

So, this is the perfect time to start becoming a new me. A new me who will always talk about the grief and sorrow only to Allah SWT. InshaAllah. I don't want to complain to people around me anymore. I don't want to easily blame people just like that because of the words that comes from my mouth. Every little words have made me become more emotional and that's not good. I need to undergo the recovering process. I believe I can do this. A closed book! That's what I am going to be. Thank you for inspiring me, J-Hope. Indeed, a bias ain't just a bias. They inspire you.

May Allah ease. Eid Mubarak!