Unspoken.

Assalamualaikum & hi.

I do not know whether I am good at hiding feelings or I am just practicing on being a solitude enthusiast or I am trying to encourage myself to become such an unbothered person. There were many things that played on my mind these past few weeks. I cannot help myself from thinking about this. But to let it out, I failed. I might make my friends feel uncomfortable with what's on my mind. Perhaps they are currently at their peak of happiness. Hmm, some things are better left unsaid, right? Thus, I'm just going to express it here.

I really want to be grateful for whatever He blessed me. Family, friends, shelter, clothes, health, etc. But.. comparing. Haih. Seeing others have a stable career, engaged, married with kids.. I cannot stop myself from comparing until I sometimes have some sort of jealousy. I believe at this age, this is normal. But, this is bad.

In order to re-center my mind and heart, I watch many videos about rezq. Basically, their points are all the same. Grateful. Ladies and gentlemen, everybody's path are different. Yes, you cannot help but compare. However, do not compare your life with others who have a better life than you. Try to look from the other side. There are so many people in this world who do not have what we have. And what's worse, sometimes they need to ask. Dear, if you think in this way, trust me.. you will be more grateful. 

You feel lacking because you are still unemployed? Be grateful. Another person might have a job but is dealing with super stressful workloads and a toxic working environment.

You feel down because you still have not found a lifetime partner? Be grateful. Another person might already found their lifetime partner, got married but ended up, not feeling happy or even going through a divorce. Nauzubillahminzalik.

You feel bad for not being able to contribute to your parents at this age? Be grateful. You are still with them, living in the same house with them, got to spend time helping them with house chores and make them laugh. 

Same goes to health, money, etc... With our limited awareness, please look back at both ups and downs of the reality that we are currently living in.

Allah has created our path. 

It is all about His timing.

Sabar.

Two Zero Two Zero

2020; A year older, and inshaAllah a year wiser.

So many life changes I had for the past 7 months since I last updated my blog. Unemployed for more than two months and then I worked part-time for two months, attended a conference last November, editing my conference article to be published and yes, 2019 ended just like that.

So thankful for the time I got to spend with my loved ones. What a stressful and blissful 7 months after graduating from a Bachelor's Degree. Things have been hard regarding unemployment but aside from that, everything was a blessing, Alhamdulillah. Those were a good plan for me. Good timing, good path.

I finally got the chance I've been waiting for months. To work. To become a career woman. And I got my dream job too. Blessed, Alhamdulillah. It was quite far from my hometown in Perlis but since I cannot let go of the opportunity and both of my parents were surprisingly okay with my decision, so I just went for it.

And now I am here, in KL. Working 9 to 6. I thought the first job is going to be just nice, as I am a fresh graduate with no working experience. But I had a very challenging life rotation. That is probably because I had a long rest after graduating so my brain and body are still weak at adapting with working life. I had to bring tasks back home, I had to work on the weekend and even on CNY to avoid any tasks delay. Super super stressful. No joke.. but hey, it's been a month and I survived!

Thankfully, my colleagues are so nice and the environment I am currently living in is also easily adaptable. Cool! One month of joy and tears. And more to come. I look forward to better days, better jobs, and above all else, a better me. 

May those who are still unemployed, will get their dream jobs as soon as possible. Aminn.

Oh btw, my conference article has been published yayyy
Click and read the article HERE

Au Revoir! ❤️

A closed book on the first eid

Assalamualaikum.

I can't believe that I am currently updating this post on the first Eid. Normally, people would be so excited preparing for Eid but yeah, don't mind me. Haha.

The reason I am updating this post is because I wanted to make this post as the blueprint of my nawaitu. Today I believe is a perfect day for me to start a good new challenge. I take this as a challenge for me to become a better friend, a better daughter and overall a better person.

I watched BTS Burn The Stage few days ago and the members were describing each other. It turned out that my bias, J-Hope was described as someone who is a bit closed book. At first, I don't get what it means. But when I searched about it, oh a closed book person means someone who is a bit mysterious and doesn't say much about themselves. You know the good thing is J-Hope has always put people at ease. He is bright and a ball of sunshine but goshhh he actually has been hiding a lot in his heart. Sometimes I feel a bit pity about him but the other side of me keeps on telling me that he is a true bias. He inspires me. 

The real thing is that I am someone who actually loves to hide my own feelings before this. I think after I have been involving myself in too many activities, I get to know more people.. it seems that I learn to be more open and it is easier for me to just tell people whatever things on my mind. Whether it is a good thing or a bad thing I will just tell the truth.

However, this has been a bad thing. You know.. you cannot satisfy other people. You can't even satisfy yourself. If you tell other people your problems, sometimes they would agree with you but sometimes when they do not agree, they might turned you down. You will feel somewhat uneasy with their counterattack or perhaps their humble opinions and you guys might be awkward to each other.

I believe that I need to professional all the time. Accepting people's opinion is a must. You cannot deny their words because you are not perfect. You cannot be right all the time. But in my case, I keep on wanting people to be on my side which is wrong. They told me that I was selfish. I might not be able to accept it because this is not the first time people keep on telling me that term. I was confused. What actually happened? I thought they would believe me. They would try to understand me but it turned out to be vice versa.

I'm at fault. I know. However, they might not know the real thing. My 'overthinking' has become their highest point as counterattack and I can do nothing with it. I've tried to explain but seems like my overthinking has actually made it worse. Since then, I believe that whatever happens, that will only be between me and Allah SWT. Raise complaints to Allah, the Creator. Only Allah knows the situation that you are going through. Your friends whom you believe would always listen to you, who would always understand you might saw that you are in trouble, saw that you are struggling but they just saw it; they don't understand. The struggle that you are going through, only Allah knows. Turn only to Allah. 

From my experience, whenever I tell them my dissatisfaction, things become worse. It's not that I don't put my trust on them. I do trust them sometimes but it is just me. I can't handle the overthinking part and of course, my emotional side has become so bad that I think I need to settle down a bit. I don't easily show people that I am mad. I am dissatisfied. Things happened real quick. I am already used to the situation and I can't turn back time.

So, this is the perfect time to start becoming a new me. A new me who will always talk about the grief and sorrow only to Allah SWT. InshaAllah. I don't want to complain to people around me anymore. I don't want to easily blame people just like that because of the words that comes from my mouth. Every little words have made me become more emotional and that's not good. I need to undergo the recovering process. I believe I can do this. A closed book! That's what I am going to be. Thank you for inspiring me, J-Hope. Indeed, a bias ain't just a bias. They inspire you.

May Allah ease. Eid Mubarak!

Tough enough?

Salam ramadan everyone.

Is your day going well?

I hope you have a good day.

I am currently on my mid sem break. Finally. After 12 consecutive weeks.

This semester is such a tough one. To tell you the truth, this semester is a whole disaster. I have 2 weeks left before final exam and when I mentioned it was already a whole disaster, I hope you get what I meant.

Previous semesters were tough but honestly this semester is super tough. I am mentally and physically exhausted. You know how I get motivated by my own words but I never been able to update anything on blog because I don't have that much time for leisure. I was too busy with event and assignments that I get tired easily and I always have a bone to pick with someone. I get criticized a lot and I was pressured. I was so demotivated.

Those criticism might come from my own fault. I thought I was professional enough but no. Things were so different here. I had so much fun organizing an event, doing last minute revision and I think I was able to sacrifice almost everything to become a successful multitasker. But now, I realize that I am no longer a good multitasker.

One thing that I should point out here is a sense of respect. I believe this is the term that makes everything so different than before. I even asked my fellow friends in Tapah. They thought the same thing. Everyone.  This is why, I don't want to put any expectations on people in the future. I don't think it will be worth it. I learnt a lot, thanks to you guys. 

I don't like to be a center of attraction but I like leading a group. I don't like to be sensitive and emo out of nowhere so I choose to become an understanding leader. I don't like to brag a lot about my experiences and achievement because no matter how much I brag about that, people will always think that I am lacking in those areas. I believe that I am a good leader back then. Now? No more. 

Remind me that I am not perfect. I can be at fault too.

Life is like a wheel. Sometimes on top sometimes at the bottom. 

Choose people that can help and guide you to be on top most of the time.

Be with people who can make you feel motivated to start your struggle everyday.

It's time to forgive and forget.

How do I evaluate myself #31DaysBloggingChallenge

According to Google, evaluate means judge, assess, rate, estimate, etc. Talking about how do I evaluate myself, I would love to highlight the word 'effort' instead of 'achievement' here. Why effort? Why not achievement?

Somebody once asked this to me.. "you know why you give up or feel down about sth so easily?" and I asked back, "was that because I lack of being grateful to Allah?" and then she answered, "Because you care too much on your achievement rather than appreciating your own effort"

Achievement is based on your effort. Your endeavor. Your effort is based on how you would wish it to be. Whether it will just be so-so, excellent or vice versa. One thing people should realize is that effort might satisfy you at the end but in certain times or situations, effort might also make you feel unsatisfied at the same time. What should us be worried about if there's dissatisfaction on our effort? Rezeki.

Allah knows best. Hold on to this principle. Then you'll realize you have nothing in this world without His power. I believe Allah has the best plan for each human being. It is only matter of timing. Do not blame yourself if your achievement is not as excellent as your effort does. Allah might save the best for you for some other times ☺

I evaluate myself based on my effort and then I leave the rest to Allah. My effort is always not as good as others who are always trying their very best on getting best results. However, that's not sth that bothers me that much. I understand myself.. very well. If I really have a passion on sth, I'll make sure I try my best to achieve that passion. But even if I lose passion on sth, I'll make sure to have a satisfying outcome after all.

I look like I'm not trying my best at sth but I ended up proving myself I can perform better than that. I look like I'm so lazy to do revision and prefer sleeping over studying but I actually taking leisure time before struggling myself in burning the midnight oil. I look like someone who has no talent in everything but has anyone notice my strengths? People keep on looking down on me telling me what's so good having great position but ended up not doing my best in studies? But have they saw me trying so hard doing revision at the very end corner of library alone almost everyday? People sometimes say that I am no good to be born as a leader but how can you say that when you are not at the state of worried, panic and also sad to be chosen as a leader? You, people. You are not in the situation to say those things.

If I have to make a judgement about myself, it would all based on effort. Effort that will satisfy myself. Even if others are not satisfy with it, I'm okay. I know I did great. Even if my great is not in the same level as yours but I don't mind. I know with the effort I put in myself, I can do better than you expected. I can perform better which is beyond your expectation. I acknowledge my skills and passion. Even if that's not convincing in your eyes, I will always remind myself not to be proud of myself until I get myself being able to convince people around me.

I am someone who would sacrifice my basic knowledge and choose passion instead. Sacrificing knowledge you learnt for a long time is not an easy decision to do guys but I've made it anyway. My effort leads me this way. For me, nothing is difficult unless your unwillingness are high up there. Lower it down and go through it. Protect your future with your decision. Not with insincerity. To work with a sincerity is to work with a passion on it. You gotta be strong even if there' is such a heavy task to do, you can surely complete it no matter what. That's the combination of effort and passion.

I get used to teamwork since young. I have the courage to go to an interview and being able to be listed as a prefect, as an exco, a scholar.. everything requires effort. My effort tells me to work hard and be determined until I succeeded. Succeed till the end. Not halfway. Not even a quarter. No matter how hard it is, how troublesome I would be, it does not matter as long as I achieve my target. I'll get used to it anyway. Teamwork is essential in working days. How can I not wish myself to have that kind of experience? It is all about effort and how you get through it. It's true that nobody's perfect but effort proves you that you might not be perfect but you can be someone that is almost perfect.

I live with errors here and there but that does not matter because I am someone who learn from mistake. My effort teaches me not to feel down when you got 0 on test because you'll work hard with double effort later on. Yes, that's so true. Double effort. Early mistakes is nothing because you will end up completing everything with satisfying outcomes. Everytime I need to get my work done, I would never be afraid of mistakes because I know I've done my best already and if there's mistake, I will surely learn from it, and correct it or make a better one. Despite of having lots of personal problems in mind, I still be able to focus on sth which needs me to be the centre of attraction. I did my best and I appreciate my effort for trying my best at it. This is my effort. My effort is the keywords, the main thing that I use to evaluate myself.

I dislike it when someone disses me saying I'm so not into this or that.. saying I am not trying my best like they are currently in my shoes experiencing what I feel, understand my thoughts and perceptions I have in my mind and so on. Like what I've said, I know myself. If that's what you think what can I do? I would never waste my time to explain everything and beg for your understanding. Last but not least, appreciate your effort and let Allah do the rest. 

Worst habits #31DaysBloggingChallenge

My number one worst habit would be SLEEPING FOR HOURS! Yay who's with me yay! I can sleep for more than 15 hours per day during girls' special days even though I realize that it is unhealthy to sleep during daytime and it is not good for Muslims especially girls because the morning after Subuh is  the time when Allah open his pintu rezeki to us. What's worst is I cannot sleep at night and back to sleep again after Subuh and yes ppl, I repeat that schedule everyday. It is difficult to stay awake during daytime if you have such repetitive sleeping schedule like an owl unless,you can bear with the sleepiness for hours to get back to the normal sleeping schedule. I was like that for more than a month. Everytime I tried to stay awake for the whole day, I failed. I got headache! Thankfully, one day I was able to have normal sleeping schedule but I can't remember the exact reason. Don't try this at home guys. This is the worst ever! I need to maintain my current sleeping schedule to make sure I can wake up early which is before Subuh, to have breakfast together with family members and also... to do house chores 😅

EATING AGAIN AFTER BRUSHING TEETH. This one is so unavoidable. I cannot hold myself for not having snacks late at night. I often sleep early which is right after Isyak and I will wake up around 4.30am and suddenly feeling hungrehhhh. Back then during diploma, I used to sleep late to do revision. I brushed my teeth quite early but ended up.. you guys know what I mean ⌣

Next one, worst habit which ranked number three is.... ANTISOCIAL?? I would prefer checking my phone while lying on my bed, hugging my bantal busuk and ignore everyone around me. After class ended, these are the things I did. People mostly my roommates thought that I am antisocial but I don't think so. I have many friends. I go here and there and meet new friends. I do not check my phone that much when I am out of my room or college. I need some privacy time at room that is why I act like that. Don't simply judge me like you've known me for years, buddies. I involved in society and that requires me to stay outdoor most of the time. I rarely got time to have rest and even sleep so yea.. I beg for your understanding :)

I finally voice out my worst habits. What's yours? 

10 Facts About Me #31DaysBloggingChallenge

1) I do not like to mention my real full name in any social networking websites because I am afraid that it will be easy for certain people to find me online.

2) I was born in September 1996 in Perlis. I'm a 25 years old young lady, turning 26 soon. I look forward to next level of life as I grow up and always wishing it would become a great future, aamin ☺

3) I've grown up in Sarawak for 9 years and then transferred to Arau, Perlis until now but I do not speak 'utagha' that much. 

4) Passionate over heels and wedges. I do not like to wear flat shoes.  

5) I got a driving license right after I ended my high school but I don't drive LOL

6) Maroon/peachy brown is my favourite colour because it suits my skin colour so much.

7) I cannot sleep alone in a queen or king size bed because of scary imagination I had when I was child. I am also used to sleep with 4 to 5 pillows around me and I'll feel extra comfy when I have a blanket covering me during sleep.

8) I'm a quite picky eater. Tbh, I can really make a day messed up just because of fooooooooodddddddd.

9) I love to sing and dance, but I can't. I am terrible at both. 

10) I'm-specky-and-I-know-it 😀 but I don't wear them consistently. I SAY NO TO CONTACT LENS.